Covid19 Lockdown Day 5 31 March 2020

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This morning it is Mozart’s Clarinet Concert.  I love Mozart and his music has a calming effect on me.  I need it today.

“Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. God opens millions of flowers every day without forcing their buds.” —Oshob

I woke up with stress this morning.  Where does this stress originate?  There is enough uncertainty that anybody can experience stress.  It started yesterday evening, I just did not recognise my inability to sit still for what it is.  Looking back, I can see two reasons for this sudden stress.

Firstly, I was very busy yesterday working on an ebook that I wanted to post on Kindle for many many years.  Now exactly the same things that have kept me from doing it, is at the front door, as it were.  I have to get over the hill and do it.  The technology I will master.  Uncle Google will help me, as always, even if I succeed with lots of frustration.  It is the “little voice” that I am battling – the one telling me it is not good enough.

The second reason comes from outside.  Yesterday I made contact with al my clients I have not contacted since lockdown.  Many are working from home.  Most seem to be fine and optimistic.  A few did sound desperate.  I was worrying about them from the start.  Hearing their desperation was not good for me. The mere fact that I make contact is proof that I think of them.  Just saying “I hope you are well” seems so inadequate!  Perhaps there is something better to say?  I have never discovered it.  Words are so easy and in over supply – there are dictionaries full of words.  Yet, I know so few!  In reality, I would love to hug my clients so that they could perhaps feel my heart and words become unnecessary.  I would love to reach out and help in a tangible way, and I cannot.

It is the old thing. I have this thing that I feel the world’s pain.  Almost like I did when I had that nightmare so long ago (Read it here).  It is difficult to “let go and let God.  Yet, so often in the past I have seen it work.  I would work and push and pull to get things done, with no success.  Then I get fed-up and stand back with an attitude of “Go to hell. Please yourself.” As if by magic, things fall in place.  I still do not know if it is because of my efforts  or not.  Did all my efforts push the whole project over the brink?  Do I get in my own way?  In that same way I must make peace that I cannot save the whole world, as much as I would like to (and the question is if the world would like to be saved in my way, anyway).  To let go, to let life be.

I also realise that I need to manage my day and not keep too busy.  I need time to be …  Richard Rohr correctly says my brain is a boiling cauldron of thoughts.  I need to sit back, relax and bring all those thoughts under control.

I would love to hear from you.  Your thoughts, your experience.  Share it in the comments below, please.

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